The Key to Unlocking True Change
“I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit” - Elizabeth Gilbert
The Myth of External Change
Have you ever found yourself stuck in a situation where you felt that someone or something needed to change for you to be truly happy or successful? This is a common scenario, but the truth is transformation is an internal job.
I once worked with a client who was on the brink of major change. This individual was convinced that a colleague was the primary roadblock to their happiness and success. The colleague’s behavior seemed to stand in the way of everything my client wanted to achieve.
As their coach, I knew the perspective was the roadblock, not the colleague.
During a coaching session, I offered a new perspective: What if you worked alongside the person and stopped trying to work with the person?
My client was initially silent, but then tears of relief and realization came. “I’ve never thought about it that way,” they said, “That is so freeing.”
This moment was pivotal. It was a release of the expectation that the other person needed to change for things to improve. It was about letting go of the pressure to make things work a certain way and embracing the possibility that good work could still be accomplished despite differing approaches and personalities.
However, after a few months, my client fell back into their old narrative, blaming the colleague for their unhappiness and stagnation. They returned to what I call the "Complain and Blame Train."
Navigating Disappointment and Personal Growth as a Coach
As a coach, my aim is to move a client forward and keep them focused on their future vision. I want to move people off the “Complain Train” and into positive action. In this moment with my client, I was devastated and frustrated. I know the power of this work on a personal level, and I care a lot about my client’s growth and success.
Yet, my disappointment was more about my ego than the reality of the situation. As a coach, my role often involves planting seeds of change, understanding that these seeds may not fully blossom during our time together. I first learned this as a teacher and continue to learn it as an executive coach. The journey of transformation is deeply personal and can take time.
So, what did I do? Instead of focusing on my own feelings of frustration or trying to force the person to see it my way (Hello! I was about to hit the same roadblock as my client.), I asked myself important questions: What does this disappointment reveal about my own growth areas? How can I guide this individual while respecting their unique journey? How can I release my own expectations and trust the process?
This experience reminded me that transformation often requires us to look inward. We must confront our own triggers, emotions, and the stories we tell ourselves. It’s about examining patterns we’re stuck in, accepting what is, and being willing to make internal shifts that very well may change the external.
It’s looking at uncomfortable emotions as our teachers. What does our anger, frustration, bitterness, envy and jealousy show us?
When we are willing to take a hard look at the people and situations that continue to show up for us and to make changes accordingly, this is when we experience transformation.
The Transformation Process:
Clarity: Understand what’s truly going on inside you. What do you truly want? What are your triggers and repeating patterns getting in the way of what you want?
Commitment: Be committed to making changes within yourself. This might mean letting go of old narratives, shifting your mindset, and experimenting with a new way of doing or saying something.
Consistency: Apply this new understanding consistently. This is where transformation begins to take root.
Mindset Work: Your beliefs shape your behavior. Work on your mindset to align with your new clarity and commitment.
True transformation is an internal job. It’s about taking full responsibility for your own happiness and success rather than waiting for others to change. By doing so, you open yourself up to a new way of being that is more empowering and fulfilling.
Invitation to Explore Coaching: Your Path to Personal Growth
If you’re ready to embark on this journey of self-discovery and transformation, I invite you to explore coaching. Together, we can uncover the internal changes needed to help you move beyond your current limitations and achieve your true potential.
Remember, the power to change and grow lies within you.